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Dear Dogs and Cats (you know who you are): The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food, such as it is. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that it is suddenly, now, your food, nor do we find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway is not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.

So far, the feedback I've got on You Tube has been interesting and encouraging, but there are still no signs of any Fake English!So, please, if English is your second language, or you know someone who doesn't speak it, please record some Fake English, audio or video, put it on the internet, and let us all know about it here!Racing us to the top of the stairs is not the object.Tripping us doesn't help because we fall faster than you can run. We cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. Do not think we will continue sleeping pressed into a corner of the mattress, or on the couch, to ensure your comfort.Here's the fake dialogue that I wrote for each language.

Several artifacts were reportedly found about the chamber, but a list was never released to the public.

When we discovered it, the shaft was filled with water.

After we pumped the water out of the shaft we found 4 pillars and a large sarcophagus.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up into a ball when they sleep.

It is also not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. If, by some miracle, We beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.

I've long wondered what 'Fake English' - English as spoken by non-English speakers - sounds like.